How we spend our day is how we spend our lives.
The Essentials
The Two-system Brain
Our brains activity is split into two systems, one deliberate and controlled and one automatic and instinctive. Our deliberate system is used for self-control, planning and reasoning. Our automatic system is used for automating easy tasks, make assumptions and saves us energy.
Our automatic system helps us make the world a lot easier by making assumptions and guesses that might not be correct. It makes us priorities things that are easy to understand and ignore things that are complex and difficult to understand. It also has a preference to make choices that require the smallest amount of effort. Its good to be aware of this.
We don’t see the world how it is but a simplified version based on who we are.
The Discover Defend Axis
We are consistently on the lookout for threats to defend against and rewards to discover. When in discovery mode, our thinking becomes clearer, and we are more openminded. It takes very little to shift us into defensive mode, where our thinking is not as clear. When in defense mode our common response is fight, flight or freeze. The advice is that we should try to be aware when we enter defense mode so we prevent ourselves from making bad decisions.
When facing a task, try to look for the reward in doing it. This can make starting easier and more enjoyable.
If the people you are talking to are in defense mode, one way to make them step out of it is with humor. Humor makes us feel connected to each other. Some other ways include praise, recognition, giving them a sense of independence, and sharing interesting things (such as news or gossip).
The Mind Body Loop
The state of our body has a big effect on the state of our mind. If we are feeling stressed one way to help ourselves is to slow down our breathing as this is a sign to the body to calm down. Another way to calm down is to practice mindfulness which is to notice new things in whatever we are doing, such as noticing new sounds and paying attention to what we are touching.
Priorities
Before starting each day and each event of the day (such as every meeting, practice session and work session), we should be clear on what we want to see, feel and accomplish.
Choosing Your Filters
Everything we see has always been there. It’s just that the filter through which we see life causes us to ignore things that are not important to us and direct our attention to what we see as important. We need to become more proactive when defining what we see as important. This is one of the most effective ways to help us move towards living each day the way we want to.
If we have an important task, our automatic system will display anything relevant to that task. Because of this we would be clear on what our task is.
When talking to others keep in mind that each persons priorities, concerns and mood are different and will affect their behaviour. Each person is living in their own private reality.
Chances are that we will miss many opportunities if we go though the day without a plan. Thats why its important to have a intention setting routine. Be clear what your most important task is and who are the people you will meet. Then ask yourself what mood and attitude do you wanna bring to these events. Lastly, where will you place you attention?
Become aware of the assumptions and expectations you have. Then ask yourself are these assumption beneficial or not. If we don’t do this chances are we will fall to confirmation bias which is we will ignore things that don’t align with our assumptions and expectations and prioritize things that do.
Avoid using absolute negative language for example words like never,” “always,” “nothing,” and “impossible,”. I’ll never understand this.” “It’s always a disaster when they’re in charge.” “There’s nothing good about this situation.” “You never listen to me.” “It’s impossible to fix this. When you say things like this it makes part of you give up and also negatively influences others. The language we use to describe something affects how we feel about it.
One routine to have after each day, for example on the way home, is to reflect on what went well and what didn’t and why these things happened. Could you have been better prepared. Then plan for the next day and what you want to prioritize and where to put you attention and things to avoid. Write them down and review these notes again the next day to remind yourself.
Setting Goals
You chance of accomplishing a goal for the day increases if you say it out loud.
Set both goals for what you want to accomplish and what you want your mood / attitude and behaviour to be. Ask yourself, what can I change in my behaviour that would increase my chance of accomplishing my goals. Also be clear on why its important.
Most of the time, our goals is to do more of something good or less of something bad. Goals have a higher chance to succeed if its to do more of something good. Don’t approach life with a fear of failure; instead, live it with excitement for success.
We are also more likely to follow through on our goal if we have intrinsic motivation instead of extrinsic motivation. Intrinsic means that we do it for ourselves and because it’s important to us while extrinsic means its to satisfy the expectation of other people.
Break your big goals down into small goals to make them look more achievable. Break the goal down into smaller tasks that can be accomplished today. Each task completed moves you closer towards the big goal.
Write down your ideas immediately when you get them. Our brain is better at coming up with new ideas rather then remembering them. It will be more difficult to come up with new ideas if you are trying to remember other ones. Find a way in which you can easily write down any important thoughts. Not fun to forget a good idea.
Have one to-do list for todays goal and one for longer term goals, such as a weak and a month. Make it satisfying to check of each task after completion. Be realistic on what you can complete in a day.
Reinforcing Your Intentions
We are more likely accomplish our goal if we plan for the outcome and for potential obstacles. When planning for obstacles think about what you response will be when that happens. Have the answer ready and be prepared when the obstacle occurs. Also think about the pain and consequences you would have to face if you failed.
We connect feelings and emotions to places. If you associate productivity with your living room, it becomes a place of focus. And we will might get better results working from the living room compared to the kitchen. Thats why some people work better in the office compared to home. The same is for events, if we think of meetings as boring then we will have a more negative attitude towards them.
Set up your environment so that it makes you feel the way you want to feel.
Visualize in the morning how you want your day to go. Think about what could be challenging and the visualise yourself completing them. Think about what person you want to show up as and what attitude and mood you want to bring. Think about what you will bring to the event and how you will contribute.
Productivity
Multitasking is not good for productivity. Our brain likes novelty, such as social media, but novelty does not result in results. Limit novelty and turn off notifications if needed. Choose single tasking if you want to be productive. One thing at a time, most important things first.
The reason it can be hard to read in a noisy room is because its similar to multi tasking, we are both listening and reading.
Batch together tasks that are similar. That way its also easier for your brain to move between each task. For example make all calls at once and then write all emails at once.
Consider timing each work session; it provides a goal and a sense of accomplishment when the timer is up and you’ve completed the session.
Planning Downtime
We are always making small decisions as we go though the day. In order to maintain good decision making we need regular breaks. We make worse decisions when we are tired. Its not possible to sustain our brains highest quality without breaks. Make the important decisions when are well rested.
Rest is also important for our brain to process what we have learned. Even when we are resting our brain is doing work in the background Its not rare that we come up with good ideas when we are resting.
Choose for yourself how often you need to take a break. Should be at least once every 90 minutes.
Overcoming Overload
Planning fallacy means that we usually plan for something to take less time then it actually takes. Don’t fall for this.
When you feel overloaded understand that its probably that you have too much going on in your mind. Learn from your mistakes and don’t take on that much next time.
Ask yourself: what task’s completion would bring you the greatest happiness and relief today.
Focus on doing things in which only you can do. What tasks are unique that only you can do and then outsource the other. Try out source non creative work.
If you have problem starting, ask yourself, whats the smallest step you can take to move things forward?
Be willing to say no to things that are low priority. The way to say no is first acknowledge the other person and appreciate their request. Then explain your current situation and what currently is your highest priority. Then explain that because of this other task you have to unfortunately say no and do it in a way so it looks like you are sorry / regretful. Then maybe give recommendation for another person they can ask and give then with them the best.
People interpret uncertainty and ambiguity as a threat and something negative. Try to be as clear as possible when making requests.
Set up systems and automate things if possible. Ask yourself are there things you can do the same way or at the same time every day? For example what you wear or the order you do something.
Beating Procrastination
Most of the tasks we avoid are those that result in long term benefit. To beat procrastination imagine yourself 24h from now how you would feel if you didn’t take action. Another way is to make a public commitment and tell others, that makes it more difficult to quit because you will then feel embarrassed and ashamed if you do.
Relationships
The foundation of happiness is the quality of our relationships. Our days will be much more enjoyable if we like and get along well with the people we interact with. A good conversation or interaction with someone can make a big difference in how we feel.
We enjoy being around people who share similar values to us. One reason for this is because we always check how our identify matches with the group. We are always thinking about our relationship with others, where our status is in the group and how we compare with each other.
Our behaviour and attitude has a big impact on how others treat us. How we present ourselves carries more weight in how others treat us than their mood does. Most people think that the other persons mood determines the outcome but thats not true.
Building Real Rapport
Building rapport means building a relationship by investing into time into it. This involves our intention each time we meat, how curious we are of the other person, building trust and understanding, our common interests and values and how willing we are to open up (share our opinions, what we like and don’t like).
Ask open questions that allow the other person to share their feelings, thoughts and motivations and not just facts. If you would like to know more about something then you can also ask, please tell me more about that. After they have answered, repeat a couple of the words to show that you are listening. Ask questions with the intent of listening.
Resolving Tension
Heres how to resolve arguments / disagreement in 5 steps.
- Describe the other persons point of view. Be clear, fair and generous. This prove that you understand them.
- List all the things you share you agree on.
- Isolate and understand the true disagreement.
- Explore how both of you could be correct.
- Be objective and find a common ground.
If we expect someone to be dumb and annoying then we will pay extra attention to things that will make us right. So we will ignore the things they do good and focus on the bad things just so we can be right. So watch you assumptions of other people. When we think of someone as dumb and underestimate them this should raise a red flag.
If someone is underperforming assume good person bad circumstances. Maybe they are going through something bad.
Things that can easily trigger people and make them act weird is a lack of inclusion, fairness and respect.
Challenging a persons competence or making them feel insecure puts them automatically in defense mode which makes it harder for them to think clearly.
If someone is in defensive mode / in a bad mood, first notice it. Say i noticed you are in a bad mood, why is that? Once they are done explaining, then acknowledge them and say i understand now why you feel that way. Then offer help, say is there anything I can do to improve the situation.
If you ever get triggered and start behaving in a bad way, ask yourself why that happened. What can you learn from it and stop it from happening again. Notice the point when you start to get angry. What are some of the early signs. Maybe you speak louder, cross your arms. Become aware of this so you can prevent it next time.
Bringing the Best Out of Others
Sometimes being helpful does not mean giving suggestions but to just listen. Heres how to listen well.
- Understand that its not about you.
- Let the other person set the topic. Ask them what they wanna talk about.
- Don’t interrupt them when talking.
- Keep them talking by asking follow up questions. Ask is there anything else you are unsure of? What will you do next?
- Ask if they want you suggestion.
3 Ways to give friendly feedback when someone gives a bad suggestion:
- What i like about it is X, What would make it even more is Y. Be very specific what you like about it.
- Instead of saying Yes, but…., say Yes, and….. When someone give a bad suggestion. Saying yes, and…. is like you are adding something while Yes, but is you are negating what they are saying.
- Ask what would need to be true to make that work?
People benefit differently from each decision. Try to be as transparent as possible to avoid making people feel they have been treated unfairly. Talk about the reasons behind the decision and what were the important factors.
Thinking
Reaching Insight
Having an existing solution in our brain makes it more difficult to come up with a new one. To get new ideas ask yourself questions such as: What would be a new approach to this? How can me make it more efficient and better? Trust that there are better solutions.
Two ways to generate new ideas:
- Write down what you currently understand. This can lead to new insight as writing requires thinking and explaining yourself.
- Explain your issue to someone else. Talking about your ideas and problems activates the brain differently compared to if you were just thinking to yourself.
Making Wise Decisions
If we expect something to be bad then we will notice all its weaknesses and ignore its strengths.
We seek out evidence in which we already believe because it saves us energy. We also think that if something is easy to understand its probably correct.
Recency Bias is that we put higher value on information we recently heard.
Its common to follow the heard. We think that if everyone in the group does this then it must be right. This can of course be wrong.
We overvalue things we have and this is because of loss aversion. Losses will be more impactful compared to a win even if they are of the same size.
Before making an important decision ask someone who you respect and trust about their opinion also.
Ask different scenario questions before making big decisions like. If there was something we are missing here what would that be? If we fail what would have caused it?
Boosting Your Brainpower
We make better decisions when we are in a good mood. So before making decisions try to make sure that all participants are in a good mood.
Influence
Getting Through Their Filters
If someone looks tired when answering to you chances are that they are living life on autopilot. When on autopilot we are less creative and make worse decisions. One way to break the autopilot is to offer a reward, this usually gets peoples attention.
Negative information grabs peoples attention more then positive information. Big reveals also grabs attention and makes them more interested such as you will never guess what happened…., insane luck…, you won’t believe it… Over dramatic things grabs peoples attention. Both positive and negative personal stories are engaging and grabs attention.
To make your story more engaging tell how it affected you and others. You can also use words like “imagine” and “feel”, for example: you can imagine how it felt when X, how would it feel if X, to make people listen better.
Use simple language to explain things. Use signposts in your language for example: there are 3 things I want to talk about, now to the third point or now to the final point. This prevents them from wondering how much is left. Give examples when explaining ideas.
Use pictures, graphs and figures to make it easier for people to remember. Because a huge part of our brain specialises in visual processing.
When presenting something, don’t assume that everyone know everything you do. Explain things in detail just in case someone doesn’t know. Put yourself in their shoes. Find out where they are starting from.
Making Things Your Way
Your are more likely the get it your way if you give a good reason. The reason doesn’t even have to be good, just give a quick one.
If you want someone to do something for you, ask yourself: what might be stopping them from helping you. Then help solve it for them, remove that obstacle or make it as easy for them as possible.
If you are asked to make suggestions, then try to be the first one to give a suggestion. The reason for this is because the first suggestion will serve as an anchor and will influence the other suggestions. If you are asked to meet up for lunch with someone, give a suggestion of time and place and chances are they will accept it or give a new suggestion close to that. Either way your suggestion will influence them.
If you are negotiating numbers, for example salary or price then give a range, set your desired number as the bottom and a even higher as the upper.
To boost your suggestion’s success, keep it simple, clear, and directly related to the situation. Also include how it will benefit them. You can also let them know that other people similar to them like it, this is called social proof.
If you want something from others, also ask yourself what can you give to them.
People are more likely to like an idea if they have participated or contributed to that idea in some way. So get them involved and ask for their suggestions and opinions.
We are more likely to choose certain things because then our brain has to do less work. For example if we have the choice between getting 30USD 100% or 45USD 80% then most will choose 30 USD.
Conveying Confidence
Being able to take a pause, take your time and speak slowly can be a sign of confidence.
Trade nervousness for excitement. Instead of saying Im nervous say I’m excited. See nervousness as a sign that our body is ready for a challenge.
Talk about things that might be interesting to the other person.
Resilience
When encountering problems instead of feeling sorry for yourself ask what you can learn from it.
To make problems seems less scary ask yourself, how important will this really be in 1 year? What’s the worst that can happen? Looking back at this in 1 year, how would you wish you had handled it?
Uncertainty is enjoyable if its bounded, meaning we know what the possible outcome are but not exactly sure how it exactly will go. So when thing are uncertain write down all the things you do know to make something look less threatening. What things about this task is similar to my past experiences? What are some possible future scenarios and what would I do in each scenario?
Energy
Small things that give energy: show gratitude, random acts of kindness, show appreciation, be helpful, compliment someone, interacting with people you like, if a task is boring try to make it interesting (be creative here), decide that it will be interesting even if its not.
Spending time with happy people will make you happier the same way spending time with sad people will make you sadder.
Become aware of what times of the day you are more energetic and tired and use this info to plan out your day. Use the times where you are high energy for the important tasks. Also become aware of what give you energy and what steals energy.
Peak-end effect: We rate an experience based on the peak and how it finished and not on the summary of the whole day. So finish on something good. For example end a conversation by recapping all the good things. End the day by doing something you like or feel proud of. Or ask what went well today? what did you like the most? what was the best thing that happened? in order to relive the good moments that happened.
Find a balance between focusing on your strengths and improving your weaknesses. Focus on your strengths means to think about your personality, values and specific knowledge. In general we feel more happy, productive and energized if we do things that are aligned with our strengths. Make a commitment to better understand yourself, what do you enjoy and what are your strengths and weaknesses. Ask how can you add more of the things you enjoy into your regular day?
How to Be Good at Meetings
- Be clear what the goal of the meetings is. If you could only achieve one thing, what would that be? Where do you want to be at the end of the meeting?
- Become aware what your attitude and mood is going into the meeting since this will affect how you interpret things in the meeting.
- Do you have any negative assumptions going into the meeting?
- What are some of the problem that could appear that prevent us from having a good meeting?
- If possible ask people to put away their phones.
- Round up the meeting and go though what you accomplished. Make sure everyone knows what they will do next.
How to Be Good at Emails
- Use easy language and break your text into paragraphs. This makes it more readable. Maybe one or two sentences per paragraph.
- Don’t check email all the time since it takes a lot of time to shift between tasks (around 5-10min to get back to your previous task).
- Send calm mails, you don’t wanna send angry mails since most likely you will regret it in the future. Wait to send an email until you have calmed down.
