Introduction
One important note about These events and self improvement in general is that you get what you put in. So if your attitude and belief is that you don’t trust in these things, your being pessimistic and that personal growth don’t work then you won’t get much out of this. Instead, to get the most out of self improvement and these events, your belief and attitude should be that you are openminded, acceptable and receptive to the information being presented and that want to learn and grow.
This is not a motivational event and the purpose is not to get you motivated. The main purpose is to help you understand human potential, set goals and get you on the right path to accomplish these goals. Human potential is unlimited and most of us don’t know what we are capable of. Because we don’t know our potential and what happens for many is that we settle for something mediocre such as job or a partner and just accept how things is and we end up living a life we are not proud or gives us fulfillment.
This event by Tony Robbins is to remind you that you are in control and you can improve your life. So what you need is some clarity of what you want and what your goals are and then combine it with focus and hard work. These events help you get that.
It will get you motivated but the motivation comes from within, its because you get excited, hopeful, optimistic about what you are going to have to work on, your purpose and what the future holds for you if you follow though. These kind of events covers many different areas of life such as personal goals, mental health, relationships and your carreer.
I have attended 2 of these events now Breakthrough 2022 and Unshakable 2023, the information shared was similar.
Events like this often present a lot of information, some of which you may not agree with. It is important to be able to distinguish between the good and bad information and only retain what is useful. This also applies to the information in this summary. This is just a bunch of tools and strategies to deal with problems in life.
Day 1: Create A New Vision For This Year
What Is Life Really?
Life consists only of the things we focus on. There are millions of things going on around us but it’s only the things we focus on that builds up our experience of life and affect how we feel.
What’s wrong around us and in the world is always available. So, if we focus on the bad things all the time then we will think that life is bad. If you do this enough it becomes a habit. If this continues you will start to think that you no control when bad things happen and just give up without trying.
Instead, Be objective and see things as they are and then try to look for the good in every situation. Ask yourself how bad is this thing really. When bad things happen It’s easy to make it look much worse than it is. You want to see things better than it is and not worse than it is.
Happiness and Fulfillment vs Fun and Pleasure
What everyone is looking for in life are happiness and fulfillment. Happiness and fulfillment are internal. Fun and pleasure are external. Many people make the mistake of doing a lot of external things such as shopping and traveling hoping to feel happiness and fulfillment. This leads to, at best, some short-term happiness but is not sustainable. Trying to fix an internal problem with an external solution does not work. A short-term solution to a long-term problem does not work.
Happiness and fulfillment come from doing things and learning skills that are important to you. Happiness equals progress, progress is the same as growth. Many times, this requires you to push yourself and do challenging things.
Patterns and Habits
A behavior pattern is an action that results in a predictable emotion. Meaning that we can predict beforehand how we will feel after we do something. For example, if we do something productive then we will feel happy afterwards or if we do something that goes against our values then we will feel sad afterwards. We need to get rid of our bad behavior patterns and continue to do more of good behavior patterns if we want to feel good.
There are general patterns in life that are relevant on a more global scale, such as in the economy (no recession lasts forever; the time during or after a recession is the best time to build; when a country does X, it leads to Y). There are also personal patterns, such as if a person constantly chooses short-term pleasure over being productive, they will later in life feel regret and sadness.
When you change your patterns, you change the way you do things.
Most things we do has predictable outcomes because of patterns. For example, if we go to school and study then the outcome is that we will get a degree and it will be easier to apply for jobs. We need to ask ourselves if these tradeoffs are worth it.
Change is automatic (body ages, world changes), but progress is not, progress requires effort. The habits we cultivate every day determine our future. Choose positive habits to achieve progress and create the life you desire. 5 years will pass, and we will arrive, but the question is where we will be. This is all decided by the habits we do every day.
The things we don’t like about ourselves is often the results of our bad behavior patterns and habits.
Good thing is that these patterns and habits can be changed. Oftentimes, these negative patterns and habits are the reason we feel dissatisfied with the direction of our lives. By identifying and addressing these underlying patterns, we can make changes that will improve our life. It’s never too late to make changes and break free from negative patterns to create a better future. Replace these bad habits with good one which will lead to better outcomes.
Everything we do, without exception, is to feel some kind of emotion.
Think of second-order consequences
For example, if you buy an TV for 1000USD, then the first-order consequence is that you lose 1000USD and the second-order consequence that you will feel obligated to use the TV since you spent money on it and as a result lose a lot of time.
The 3 Skills To Learn About Patterns and Habits
- Pattern and Habit recognition – Be able to review and analyze yourself of what good and bad habits you have. Learn from others and history, what habits are good and what are bad. What patterns has already happened before what does these pattern result in afterwards.
- Pattern and Habit creation – Be able to develop good habits that will serve you and help you progress towards your goals. Develop your own habits to teach others.
- Pattern and Habit utilization – Set up a system around your habits and make use of you habits to your own advantage. Use and learn from existing patterns to avoid failure.
Over 95% of our thoughts are the same as yesterday. This is because we focus mostly on the same things and do the same things every day. If we want different thoughts, we need to focus on and do different things.
Be optimistic. Create and visualize a bright and compelling future for yourself. Be clear of what the next step is that will move you closer toward that bright future.
To live and extraordinary life you need to do extraordinary things which requires you to leave your comfort zone. If you want to feel free, you must do things that are uncomfortable. When you get comfortable, find a way to get uncomfortable again and challenge yourself because that’s where your growth lies. You can always return to the comfort zone. Your desire to grow will be lower if you are comfortable.
High Energy State
The number one thing that will determine your success in life is your energy state. Energy is the most important thing for a happy and successful life. It’s almost impossible for a person to succeed if your energy level is usually low. Because of this the most important skill to learn is how to increase your energy / put yourself in a high-energy state. Energy is the essence of life. Everything seems impossible when you are low energy.
You need energy to succeed in business, relationship, and personal skills. Change requires energy. Anything that requires any effort requires energy. The higher the energy in your body, the better you mind and body works.
How to Change Your State?
- Move your body. There is a biochemical change in your body when you start to move which changes the way you do and see things (Do either one or a combination of these for 2 minutes).
- Breathe more.
- Dance, clap, jump around, etc.
- Make a sound of excitement (if you act excited you will immediately get more energy).
- Shift the way sit and stand. You want to be in a good posture.
- Do power positions.
- Change your story and beliefs.
- What are some stories you are constantly repeating in your head that is putting you in a low energy state? This could for example be an event that is happening in the world right now or something that has happened to you in the past.
- What are some beliefs that are putting you in a low energy state?
- Change your language and words you use to describe things. For example, if you describe a situation as “horrible” it will feel and seem much serious and bad then if you described it as “not ideal”.
- Avoid words that put you in a low energy state, such as depressed, tired, bored, etc.
- Anything you attach after “I am” will become true if you repeat it enough times with enough emotion (for example: I am tired).
Present the best version of you to the world. Ask yourself how a person in a high energy state would feel and what would they do (For example walk with confidence, not hunched over locking at the ground).
Some common things that are essential to improve your energy is healthy lifestyle, such as exercising regularly and eating and sleeping well. Be around high energy people. Avoid things that put you in a low energy state.
Changing into a high energy state is a skill that can be trained and learned. A goal to have should be to live an energy-rich life. When you are in a high energy state everything works better such as career, relationship, health and your experience of life will be better. You will also have more positive emotions such as joy, happiness, drive, etc.
Stop having thoughts and doing things that put you in a low energy state.
For a relationship to be great, the energy level of both people needs to be high. If the energy level of either one person is low or ok than at best it’s only going to be an ok relationship, doesn’t matter how much you love each other.
What Are Emotions?
Emotion is created by motion. Energy is emotion. Emotion is energy in motion. This means the only way to change your emotions in a sustainable way is by moving your body. You can’t think your way out of feeling depressed or sad, the only way to change your emotions is by putting your body in motion.
The 6 Stages of Grief
How What You Say Affects Others
The words we use only represent around 7% of what influence human behavior. Our voice tone represents about 38% of the impact on the listener, meaning that how you use our voice can affect someone more than what you say. Additionally, body language and physiology account for around 55% of the influence on others during communication, making the way you use your body the primary factor that affects people when you interact with them.
Breakthrough
A breakthrough is a moment in time when there is a big change in our life. Afterwards, we live and see life differently.
There are many things that can create a breakthrough: it can be a conversation, an insight, reading something, listening to something, realizing something, a challenge, someone inspires you.
It’s usually when we hit rock bottom or there is a crisis and there is enough pain to make us change. We just say to ourselves enough is enough no more of this. Pain whether emotional or physical pain is a great motivator to change. Pain forces us to change because your no longer want to with the pain. And what was a SHOULD become a MUST (For example if you are overweight and your doctor tells you that you need to get in shape otherwise you will die, then you will change for sure and live life differently. Losing weight was a should but it became a must).
It’s common that when our feelings get hurt by it motivates us to change and improve.
You will hang on to your pain until you find something that you value more.
When there is pain in the present moment instead of facing that pain, it’s common to escape into to future or back to the past. We rather escape then change because change brings so much uncertainty, instability and fear to people.
Complexity is the enemy of execution. People don’t follow thorough when you make things complex.
Everyone has had breakthroughs before, you need to remember a moment when you did it and find the reason or pattern for why it happened. And then recreate that pattern.
The order to do something is state -> story / beliefs -> strategy.
- First you need to put yourself in a high energy state.
- Then fix your beliefs so they are empowering and not limiting. Change your story / beliefs -> change your life.
- Come up with a strategy to accomplish what you want.
The 6 Human Needs
Everyone has reason for what they do but it can all be categorized into 6 main reasons. Everything we do in life can be put into 1 or more of these 6 needs.
- Certainty (We do things with the purpose to get food, shelter, feeling safe, etc. This could for example be our job).
- Variety (trying out new things, consuming new things (like social media, movies) visiting new places, trying out new restaurants, shopping…).
- Significance (want to feel special, want to be better or more important than others).
- Love and connection (develop relationships).
- Growth (improving ourselves and making progress towards our goals).
- Contribute (helping others and sharing).
We fulfill our needs in positive, negative, and neutral ways, and every activity or action can fall into one or more of these six needs. The priority we assign to our needs influences our way of living.
To design a life that revolves around what truly matters to you, it’s important to understand your six basic needs. Once you’ve identified which needs are the driving force in your life, you can begin to make significant changes that align with your goals and desires. Without this understanding, making big changes that match your goals and desires will always be difficult. That’s why it’s essential to gain insight into how your needs are shaping your life, so you can create the life you want.
Questions to reflect on:
- Which two needs have you been prioritizing the most?
- What are the consequences of prioritizing those needs in that order?
- What should be your top needs now for your life to transform?
- If you made that change, what would transform in your life?
- Visualize how much pain you will be in if you don’t make that important change.
5 Key Plans
- Strengthen your mind – Read books, take courses, learn something new everyday.
- Strengthen your body – Move your body and exercise everyday.
- Have role models – Have different role models for different things. For example relationship expert, financial expert, health expert.
- Proximity is power – Be around people you admire and want to learn from. Sometimes its not what you know bit who you know.
- Give – serve and help others. Give more than you receive.
Questions to Ask Yourself (Spend Some Time Thinking and Answering)
- What was your breakthrough (one personal and one career)? What was the situation you struggled with for a long time and then finally broke through?
- What was the moment that changed it all? What triggered it? What made it a must?
- What made it possible for that to last? Could be a new belief, strategy and insight maybe.
- What are the new emotions that will define you in your new life?
- What are some stories you are constantly repeating in your head that is putting you in a low energy state?
- What are some beliefs you have that are putting you in a low energy state and are not serving you?
- What’s your new story?
- How will your new story change your life?
- What has some bad beliefs cost you in the past? What have you lost because of these beliefs?
- What the bad beliefs cost you and people you care about in the present?
- What will each cost you and people you care about one, three, five, and 10 years from now?
Day 2: Become the Person You Were Made to Be
Our Brains Job
The job of our brain is to help us survive, and in the past, it helped us face threats like wild animals. Today, such threats don’t exist, and we have replaced them with small things, such as worrying about what people we don’t even know might think of us. When we get into survival mode, we tend to make things worse than they are. If we don’t take control of our brain, we may end up living in a constant state of survival. The job of our brain is to help us survive, not to make us happy. Our happiness is our own responsibility.
Many people live life on autopilot. They wake up and do the same things every day and never question why they do the things they do, why they think the thoughts they do and why they feel the way they do. It’s very difficult to live a happy life on autopilot. To be happy, we need to wake up and avoid being on autopilot, becoming aware of the story we tell ourselves all the time.
Day 2 Notes 1
When we face tough times, failure, and challenges repeatedly, we tend to create a story for ourselves and live in it to avoid disappointment.
Train yourself to be emotionally fit, which means being in control of your emotions. This implies that you can change emotions at will when the situation demands it, and that you can step up and handle challenging situations.
Life is not happening to us; it’s happening for us. When facing difficult times and tough challenges, it may not always seem like it, but there is always something good and it’s our responsibility to find the good in the situation. Most bad things are temporary, and in the long term, they will work out if we stay disciplined.
We don’t experience life; we experience what we focus on in life. If you are angry, you tend to focus only on things that make you angrier. What you focus on is affected by your state. You want to be in a state that is beneficial for the situation.
You will stay stuck in your pain and your problem until you have something you value more than your pain and your problem.
Who you spend time with is who you become.
The only thing that is going to change our lives is a decision. Decide what you want to improve and what to do about it. Think of what the best year would look like. Think of what life is like a year from now after following through on this decision.
Be willing to trade money for knowledge. That way you can cut the time to learn something by a lot.
Your Identity and Beliefs
The most important belief you have is about who you are. What kind of person do you see yourself as? All the beliefs we have about ourselves creates our identity. Who we are is defined by who we are and who we are not.
The strongest need in the human personality is to stay consistent with how we identify ourselves. For example If you identify yourself as a depressed person, you will remain depressed just to stay consistent with your identity.
Identity examples:
- If you identify yourself as a resilient person and face failure, you are sure not to quit but instead try again.
- If you identify yourself as a learner, then you will not be afraid to learn new things.
- If you identify yourself as an healthy person, you will do the things that healthy people do and stay away from the things that they don’t do
- If you are trying to quit smoking but still identify yourself as a smoker, it is only a matter of time before you start smoking again.
A belief is a feeling of absolute certainty of what something means. Beliefs create and belief destroy.
You only remember the parts you want to remember to maintain your identity.
If you want to have a better life, you will have to upgrade your identity. Lasting change always requires a change in identity.
What you do today is going to determine where you will end up in the next 5 years.
Our identity was probably shaped a long time ago, and we never realized it or changed it. If this old identity is no longer serving us, we need to change it.
If you’re trying to change your identity or develop a new habit, it’s important to surround yourself with an environment where this new behavior is supported and encouraged.
Identity and Relationships
All our relationships are controlled by the identity we have created for the other person, and this identity controls how we interact with them. We will interact differently with a friendly person than an mean person. It’s important to keep this in mind, as others have the same view of us and have attached an identity to us. It can be challenging to change this identity, but if we don’t like it, the only way is to build a new track record.
Attaching a belief to a group of people is almost always a bad idea. If you think that men are evil and mean, then you will attach that identity to every man you interact with.
Be careful of the labels you attach to yourself and others. A relationship ends when you start putting a lot of negative labels on your partner. In the beginning, they were good, but then if the relationship is not good, the good labels get replaced by the bad ones. And the labels form a new identity that you don’t like.
Advice on Raising Kids
The worst thing you can do to your kids is to praise them and promise them too much. Praising your kids excessively and making unrealistic promises can be detrimental to their growth. When you tell them they are perfect and deserve everything, they start to believe it and may face a harsh reality outside of their comfortable home environment. The real world doesn’t respond to them in the same way, and this can lead to disappointment. They may retreat into their comfort zone and not come out because they haven’t been trained or encouraged to be resilient, persistent, tough, and hardworking.
Instead, it’s better to praise people for their efforts because this promotes a growth mindset. When you acknowledge their efforts, they feel appreciated, and they will keep trying and growing. This approach helps them develop the skills needed to face challenges and overcome obstacles in the real world.
Encourage your kids to fail. This makes them more resilient, and they learn to focus less on the outcome and more on the fact that it’s important to try and do their best. Their only failures become when they don’t try.
The Reticular Activating System (RAS)
The RAS is a part of our brain that controls our levels of attention, consciousness, and alertness – basically, what we pay attention to. It filters information from the environment and determines what we should see. This system helps us focus on important information while filtering out irrelevant information. We decide what’s important to us.
If you buy a new white BMW, you will start to see more white BMWs on the street because you now think it’s important information to you. Similarly, if you are a person who thinks everything is bad and the world is a bad place, then you will just see a lot of bad things because your brain thinks that’s important to you. The same thing works if you think the world is a good place – then you will start to see a lot of good things around you.
Incantations
An incantation is when you say something with enough emotion and intensity that it creates a shift inside you. And if you do it with enough repetition you will change. So anything you attach after the words “I am X” with enough emotion, intensity and consistency you will become.
Everyday I’m becoming stronger, happier, better. Tony used to scream these things to himself all the time and those things eventually become part of him. Move around or jump around and use a lot of physical energy and shout it out loud until you become it.
5 to Thrive
- Physiology – The way you move your body, your facial expressions, and the way you breathe all affect how you feel. Moving around, jumping, dancing, running, etc. are the easiest ways to change how you feel.
- Focus – When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. You will feel different if you focus on what you have in life compared to what’s missing.
- Language – Use language that serves you. The words we use also create emotion. If someone describes a person as cool or nice, we get 2 different emotions. Instead of saying I HAVE to go to work say you GET to go to work. What words we use affects how we will feel.
- A Compelling Future – Visualize a bright future and be willing to change.
- Identity – Build up a good identity for yourself. Have an identity consisting of positive words such as grateful, disciplined, honest, kind, honorable, etc.
Your goals have an impact on you, whatever they may be. If your goal is simply to make it through the day, you’re more likely to have a bad day because the standard is too low. So set high standards. If you don’t set a baseline standard for what you’ll accept in life, you’ll find it’s easy to slip into behaviors and attitudes or a quality of life that’s far below what you deserve.
It can be helpful that your motivation is not be solely for yourself, but for something greater, such as your family and others.
Setting goals is the first step in turning the invisible into the visible.
Day 2 Notes Part 2
If you are in a state of happiness, you will do different things than if you were in a state of anger. You will do things when you have high energy that you would never do if you have low energy.
Your body gets less oxygen and energy if you are sitting hunched over than if you were sitting straight because the diaphragm gets compressed, and you will feel more tired.
We get rewarded in public for what we practice in private consistently. So if you don’t practice in private, you won’t get anything.
Everything you do is to change the way you feel. If you are feeling good, you want to feel better. Or, if you are feeling bad, you want to feel good.
Most people judge who you are by what you do. You are judged by your behavior.
The philosophy of pushing yourself: If I say “I can’t” do something then I must do it. Don’t be stupid about it.
When you do something that you say you can’t do, but then you still do it, you will grow.
When you get old, you will have regrets of the thing you didn’t do.
The more you appreciate are grateful what you have, the happier you get.
Remove words from your vocabulary that don’t empower you, such as ‘I’m depressed’, ‘I’m tired’, and ‘This is never going to work’. Your words create meaning, and that meaning creates how you feel.
Once you become the best version of yourself, everything in your life will change – your body, relationships, career, happiness, and wealth will all change.
Day 3: Take Control & Create Your Own Economy
Invest In Yourself
The best and most important investment you can make is in yourself. Focus on learning new valuable skills and work harder on yourself than anything else. Become as good as you can.
If you want to become rich you must be willing to serve others and provide them a lot of / the highest amount of value. There has to be people how needs what you offer. If there is no need or demand, then there is no value.
Have total immersion in what you want to learn and do. Really put in the hours.
The question to ask yourself is: how can I do more for others than anybody else?
We overestimate what we can do in a year, and underestimate what we can do in a decade.
10 years will pass for sure, and you will arrive at that point in time, the question is where will you arrive, and the time to make that decision is now. If we do the right thing and develop the right habits, we will arrive at a very nice place while if we do the wrong things we will arrive at a bad place filled with regret.
Personal Brand
You need to develop a personal brand if you want to become more valuable. Brand is like a reputation and gives certainty to others when they interact or do business with you. Have a good personal brand and other will come looking for you when they need help.
Becoming Financially Free
There are only two ways to become financially free: become an investor and let money compound. Or own your own business. You most likely won’t get rich working for others.
The only way to make more money is to become more valuable. One of those skills you need is to know how to grow a business.
If you do something only for the sake of money you will most likely fail.
You want to think and operate like an owner. If you operate like an owner, you become one. This applies to all people.
3 Keys to Growing a Business
- Know your ideal client
- An ideal client is someone that’s going to stick with you no matter what’s happening in the world.
- They are going to buy your products and love them and recommend you to others.
- You need to know everything about them. Know what they love and hate. Know what creates fear and what excites them.
- If you know everything about them, you can find a way to meet their needs offers.
- Make an irresistible offer.
- Make it convenient.
- Make it easy for your client to make a decision.
- Make it so good they can’t turn you down.
- Over deliver – give and deliver more than expected.
- Do something special, add a bonus or add something extra to them.
Business is a spiritual game, where you do more for others, and bring more value to others then yourself.
If you are in a recession and you find a way to serve people and grow, then you will grow no matter what the economy is. If you do well during hard times, you will continue to do well forever.
Hire your weaknesses when you can afford it. Hire people who are good at the things you are not good at or hate doing.
Be clear on your why.
Facing Rejection
Every successful person gets rejected. The people who succeed the most are the ones who fail the most because they are the ones who try the most. Start to assign new meaning to rejection (and things in general so it benefits you). Every time you get rejected, tell yourself that you are one of the brave ones who follow their dreams, one of the brave ones who go for it. This moment of overcoming fear of rejection and failure is going to move me closer towards my goals and is a part of the path towards my goals.
“Rejection is gods protection, because it opens up the door for something better” – some quote.
The most common response to rejection is that its proof that you are not enough. You then feel defeated and won’t try again. Don’t be like this.
Ask yourself: if you had no fear (for example, of failure and rejection), what would you do? When you change your relationship with failure and rejection, you change your life. You give meaning to what rejection means, and you also change your relationship to the fear of failure and rejection.
Day 3 Notes
The two main reasons that makes a person change is urgency and pain.
Life is a dance of what you desire the most and what you fear the most. If you want to expand your life you need to expand your desires and reduce your fears. Life then gets bigger, and you will have more.
Self-doubt is one of the biggest killers of dreams. Turn down the volume of self-doubt and turn up the volume of self-belief.
It’s so important to know your ‘why’. You don’t rise to your hopes and dreams; instead, you fall to your identity. You need to match your identity with your hopes and dreams. You can only reach the limit you believe you are worthy of.
Everything you attach after the words “I am” repeated enough times with enough emotions becomes your identity. For example: I’m confident, I’m kind, I’m a learner.
Money doesn’t change people, it magnifies who you are.
The goal of financial freedom is not to not work, the goal is to have the choice not to work. It’s so you have complete control over your life and time.
An extraordinary life requires mastering two skills:
- Science of achievement: the ability to produce results, to take anything you imagine and make it real.
- Art of fulfillment: the ability to feel happiness and joy in the process.
Questions to ask yourself
- What do you feel when you face rejection and failure?
- Where are you right now in your work, career, or business?
- Where do you want to be?
- What do you need to do now to close the gap?
Day 4: Create Extraordinary Relationships
The Importance of Relationships
2 Biggest fears we have is that we are not enough and that we can’t be loved. When we experience feelings of not being enough, it can lead us to believe that we are unworthy of love
Love is the oxygen of the soul.
The quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. The quality of your relationship is the quality of your emotions.
The relationship could for example be with a friend, family or intimate one. The intimate one is the most important relationship you will have. The difference between an intimate and others is the intimacy.
Finding a Relationship
Become the best version of yourself that is worthy of having a partner. Become a person your future partner would be proud to be around.
Being with the right person is of course important but a great relationship isn’t found, it’s built by commitment and putting time into it.
A great relationship is when you want to be a better person for them and for yourself.
The biggest determination if a relationship succeeds is selection. Selection of person and even more important, selection of what attitude you bring to the relationship. Is it low energy, sadness, boring or is it high energy, happy, playful, etc.
A relationship is a union between 2 people.
Maintaining a Relationship
Most people go to relationship to get something, and they get upset when their expectations are not met. That is not how build a great relationship. A relationship is a place where you go to give. When we help someone, we get a lot from it also and it feels good afterward. The more you give the better you will feel.
The purpose of a relationship is to magnify emotion. When you have someone to share with, everything becomes better.
When it comes to relationships there is not 50/50. Both people need to take 100% responsibility of the relationship and prioritize making it awesome.
A relationship starts to break down when we ask: “what can I get from this relationship?”
The quality of a relationship is greatly influenced by the emotional states of both individuals involved. If one person is feeling happy and the other is feeling sad, then it will be a bad relationship.
There are two types of communication: a loving expression and a cry for help. Sometime when they say something angry and mean it can be a cry for help. It’s then important to be forgiving and listen to them.
The law of familiarity: When we become more familiar with someone, we start to take things for granted. Don’t take things for granted, instead be grateful.
You cant be angry when you are grateful.
You don’t want to keep count in a relationship, like I have done this many things for them and they have only done this many. Once you start to do this you put the relationship in danger because you are focusing on what you can get instead of give.
Stop questioning your partners intent. Instead, be generous and focus more on giving to your partner.
What destroys relationships are expectations. Because we expect them to be different than reality. Trade your expectations for appreciation.
Our state determines the meaning of something. We will interpret information differently depending on if we are happy or sad.
When dealing with other people’s problems, don’t try to solve it for them, instead ask them questions and let them solve it themselves.
If you are not feeling good or are in a bad mood, it’s important to catch yourself and tell the other about how you are feeling before you start to say mean things that can be difficult to take back.
There are a lot of arguments you will never resolve. You just have to agree to disagree or come up with something in between.
The quality of your relationship is the ratio between positive and negative interactions with your partner. In a good relationship the ratio between positive and negative interactions are 5:1, in an outstanding relationship its 20:1.
In a relationship, ask the other person if they have any complaints and if this relationship is heading in the right direction.
What makes a relationship work is that both people have things in common. Such as interests, values, and goals.
Learning From Relationships
It is often that our past relationship affects our future relationship. We bring assumptions from the old relationship to the new one, the old relationship is like a filter. Just be aware of this.
We fear loss of love, and it can be that we rationalize that we don’t need love.
If a relationship does not work out, it is not a failure, because you can still learn from it. You can always gain something from every relationship and use those lessons to grow. Focus on the mistakes you made. But in general, this is a very costly and inefficient way of learning things.
Day 4 Notes Part 1
Why is more important than how. Reasons come first; answers come second.
Where focus goes, energy flows. Where we put our attention is where we put our energy.
If you really love someone you will do anything for them.
Life is really the few things we focus on. And we can only focus on few things at once. For most people, these things are only about themselves.
Our mind distorts, deletes, and generalizes.
Be carful with what you attach after “I am ”. If you repeat it enough times with enough emotion, you will become it. You will become it even if it’s not true.
Perfection is the lowest standard on earth, because perfect is impossible. What happens is that you beat yourself up when things are not perfect.
A loveless relationship is the worst.
The 4 Horsman and Antidotes
Stay away from the 4 horse man in a relationship.
Criticism – This is bad because it attacks and puts the blame on the other person. Criticism kills relationship.
Solution: Talk about your feelings. If you are not feeling good talk about what you want to feel instead.
3 things we blame: ourselves, events, and others.
The SEW Method
End an argument by using the SEW Method. S = Sensation, E = Emotion, W = What you want to feel and not want to feel.
This is all about communicating what you are feeling and not blaming others for your feelings. Ask what sensations / emotions they are currently feeling. Then ask what they want to feel and not want to feel.
You want to express things that are inarguable. If you feel angry, then the fact that you are feeling anger is inarguable. It’s important not to blame the other person, as that can be argued. Instead, take full responsibility for your feelings and express them in a non-blaming manner.
It’s important to be in the right state when communicating with each other.
Sage Robbins Relationship Advice
Everyone has problems and challenges in life. The ideal love / relationship is to have a safe place to go back to. Ideal love is a safe harbor together. No matter how chaotic the external world, you have your internal haven.
We all come to relationships with different wiring, conditioning, cultures, belief systems and an idea for what love looks like. And yet we think our experience of how love should be is the same as our partner’s.
People think relationships are about selecting the right person. Selection is important but what’s even more important is selecting what part of yourself you bring into the relationship every single day. The state of any relationship is the state you bring to it.
Commitment is deciding to make your relationship / your partner the most important thing.
Do whatever you can to give your partner what they need. One of two things will happen.
- They notice what you are doing and start to mimic you and give you what you need.
- They don’t value or appreciate you which might means that its time to leave the relationship.
Feminine and Masculine Energy
For a relationship to work well, there needs to be polarity in energy, which means that one person needs to have more masculine energy and the other needs to have more feminine energy. There needs to be a difference in energy, as opposites attract each other. If both people have either very high feminine or masculine energy, then the attraction will eventually diminish. Once you understand your energy and keep improving upon it, you will start to attract the opposite energy.
People with more feminine energy are more open and more free. They want to be noticed and understood.
People with more masculine energy are more competitive, mission-driven, take on challenges and want to grow. They can have trouble communicating their feelings.
Feminine energy conflicts with masculine energy when they feel: Unseen, misunderstood and unsafe.
- Unseen – Women want attention and want to be seen and appreciated by their partner. They want to be noticed when they for example did something to their appearance (new clothes, hair, face, etc).
- Misunderstood – Women go through more problems than men, both physically and mentally. Many times, what they want is a sense of empathy and someone to just listen to them. Sometimes they don’t want their partner to solve their problems or come up with solutions.
- Unsafe – When a woman no longer feels protected and support mentally and physically, the relationship is no longer safe. As a response she might start to become more masculine or independent.
Masculine energy conflicts with Feminine energy when they feel: Criticized, Closed and Controlled.
- Criticized – Men don’t like to be told how to do something. They want to figure things out on their own.
- Closed – Men like it when women are open, honest and when they speak up.
- Controlled – People with high masculine energy don’t like being controlled. They want to be in charge.
Feminine energy is about bringing in. Masculine energy is about breaking free.
Feminine people want to feel: Loved, supported, beautiful and safe / protected.
Masculine people want to feel: Loved, appreciated and powerful.
Learn how to play and tease each other in a relationship.
As a man you must know how to make decisions.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- What would I want to bring to this relationship?
- Think of a special moment. What made the special moment special?
- What things do I need to let go of to make this relationship the best?
Day 5 : Create Your Blueprint For This Year
5 Things You Must Do
1 Get clear on what you really want and where you really are.
Clarity is power. Know your outcome. Our focus determines what we get in life. Energy flows in the direction of our attention. When we experience failure or don’t achieve our desired outcomes, it’s often because we have been concentrating on obstacles and reasons why we can’t succeed. To achieve our goals, we need to visualize what it would be like to accomplish them, identify the necessary actions, and take them one at a time.
Think of the things you once wanted and now have. Think of the steps you had to take to make it happen. Are there any steps that can be replicated?
2 Crush, destroy and replace any story of limitation.
What gets in our way from accomplishing our goals are limiting belief systems such as:
- I have never done this before.
- I don’t know how.
- I don’t know where to begin.
- I don’t have the expertise or time.
- You want to replace “I can’t get it done” with “I can get it done as long as I focus and give it enough time.”
All of these are just reasons and excuses to not try and do. The purpose of an excuse is to prevent us from changing, growing, admitting a mistake, or taking an action.
The only thing that prevents me from achieving what I want is the story I repeatedly tell myself about why I cannot do it or I don’t have it. These stories are merely beliefs. Beliefs have the power to create or destroy. Positive beliefs can create a new life for you, while limiting beliefs can hinder your progress and destroy your potential. Therefore, it is important to identify and challenge any negative beliefs that hold you back and replace them with positive, empowering beliefs that align with your goals.
If you can’t then you must.
Learned helplessness is the belief that you can never fix something or that something will never happen for you. It’s essentially telling yourself that things are impossible.
Biggest beliefs of limitation: money, time, lack of skill, age, and lack of resources.
Destroy the 3 P’s About Problems
Thinking that the problem is pervasive – Sometimes, when we face a problem in one area of our life, we may start to believe that our entire life is bad. This is not true and you need to take a step back and calm down. Think of the things you do have vs you don’t have.
Thinking that the problem is permanent – We start to think that this problem will last forever. You start to think that nothing you do will work and you give up. When you believe something is permanent, you won’t even try.
Thinking that the problem is Personal – We start to think that we are the only ones facing a particular issue, and that life is being unfair to us personally. You start to feel sorry for yourself and start to have a victim mentality. Understand that everyone has problems and a lot of people are dealing or has dealt with the problem you have.
3 Watch Your Language.
Watch your language because language creates meaning. The words you use to describe an experience becomes the experience. So if a situation happens and we say we are enraged, the we will fill a lot more angry then if we would have said that I’m a little annoyed by this same situation. The words we use changes our biochemistry and our internal feelings.
If you remove the word depressed from your vocabulary, then you will won’t feel depressed. You can feel angry, sad, stressed but not depressed. It takes that emotion away from you. Our words hypnotize us.
4 Take Massive Action
Understand if you want some you have the power to get it. If you don’t like something you have the power to change it. All it takes is a lot of action. Momentum comes from takin action.
Never leave the site of a goal without taking some form of action towards its attainment.
You must have a sense of urgency, and if you don’t have one, you must create it.
5 Give More Than You Expect To Receive
The secret to living is giving. When you are having a difficult time the most powerful thing you can do is to give to someone who has it even worse than you. This takes you out of a scarcity mindset. The greatest reward is to give someone else.
Tony believes that all suffering is because of a focus on ourselves.
Day 5 Notes
You don’t experience life, you experience what you focus on. And What you focus on is based on beliefs and values. You get what you look for. What you focus on is what you get. Think everyone the world is a bad place, and everyone is untrustworthy? Life will prove you right and that will be what you will find.
Progress equals happiness, but it’s also very important to be grateful and appreciate the progress during the journey.
Don’t be afraid of disappointment. Don’t let disappoint prevent you from doing things that are important to you.
Always try to teach others what you have learned.
Repetition is the mother of all skills.
Measure your progress often. Keep track of the things you do.
The strongest force humans have is to stay consistent with how we define ourselves. We must define ourselves in a good way that benefits us.
If everything else is going well, but your relationship is bad, you won’t be happy.
Understanding and conditioning yourself / rewiring yourself are different. Don’t just be aware and know about the good habits you need to live them and rewire yourself. Rewiring happens when we fully immerse ourselves in a subject.
It’s not enough to simply know this information – you need to live it, take action, and rewire your thought processes.
In every bad thing there is something good. When things get bad, first learn from it then look for the good. What’s wrong is always available but so is also what’s right.
When we get upset and angry, we lose control, and the other person wins.
To achieve success, it’s essential to take massive action while in a peak state. Therefore, it’s crucial to learn how to put yourself in a peak state (described in day 1).
To become successful, you need to have hunger – hunger to grow, be more, give more, do more, share more, and become more. This hunger will lead to fulfillment and success.
Questions to Ask Yourself
- What do you want to change in your life right now.
- What do you want and why?
- What are 1-2 things you can do right now that will move you closer towards your goal?
- What is a belief that has been getting in your way?
- What limiting beliefs do you have that need to be removed?
- What have these beliefs cost you?
- What is false / BS about these beliefs?
- What is the opposite of these limiting beliefs?
- What is a new, positive belief that you can adopt?
- Ask yourself what the best year of your life would look like.
Quick Course on How To Get What You Want
All change comes from being honest with yourself. Therefore, you need to ask yourself where you are in life right now with complete honesty. Change comes when you get disturbed by your inaction and where you are in life. The body will then send you signals in the form of sadness and depression. These signals are signs that something needs to change.
Start by asking yourself what you want in life with absolute clarity. Once you have a clear vision, take actions that move you towards that goal. Always know where you are and where you want to go and fill in the gap by putting in the work and learning the necessary skills. Ask yourself how you can get there and who can help you reach your goal. Also be clear of your why. Why is this a must?
To speed up your progress. Find out who has already done what you want and who can help you. Learn from them and model the things they did. Success leaves clues.
Day 6: Bonus Day
The 5 Givens
- Everything Changes and Comes to an End
- The world changes, our bodies changes, seasons change, the economy changes and everything will eventually come to an end. This creates the opportunity for new things. If you don’t grow, you will not be happy. When you grow you are living. If you are not growing, you are dying.
- The quality of my life is in direct proportion to the amount of uncertainty I can comfortably live with.
- Things Don’t Always Go According to Plan
- Don’t be too hard on yourself when things don’t go according to plan. Learn from it and then move on. Make sure you tried your best.
- Life Is Not Always Fair
- Accident happen which is very unfortunate. But for most part, you get what you deserve depending on the things you are doing now and have done in the past. Life is fair in the long-term if you put in the work.
- Pain Is Part of Life
- Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice. You can’t expect life to be without pain but it’s up to you if you choose to suffer from it. Pain is, whether physical or emotional, is what makes us change. Use the pain, don’t let pain use you.
- People Are Not Always Loving and Loyal All the Time
- Expecting people to always do good will lead to disappointment. Remember that the other person could be going through something very difficult right now, which may be causing them to behave in ways that are not so good. Show empathy and see things from the other persons point of view.
Notes Day 6
Life is happening for you, not to you. When facing difficult times and tough challenges, it may not always seem like it, but there is always something good and it’s our responsibility to find the good in the situation.
Do something instead of doing nothing, even if it fails you will at least learn something.
When you don’t learn, you usually make the same mistakes again until you learn from it.
